My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your penis caused this!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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