my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
