Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
