Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Two words: nipple clamps
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