His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
