If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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