I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
