I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
