I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
