someone threw a dead crab at me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
