Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
