Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
