so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
