But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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