i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
