why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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