I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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