At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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