i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
