apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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