i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
God, I missed his penis.
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