I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
