what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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