i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
