So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
