I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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