Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
worst night to have a conscience
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
