So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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