she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
