you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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