LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You need Xanax blowdarts
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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