my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
