and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
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You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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