Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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