I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
