I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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