He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
