god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
