now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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