your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm having to shit out rocks
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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