He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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