Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
