i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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