Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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