I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
