Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
