It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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