If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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