I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
