I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
