Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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