my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
