Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
