He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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