i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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