I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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